It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
