I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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