I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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