At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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