I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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