Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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