I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
