The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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