i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
