So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
