I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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