I want to have your abortion
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
