OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
