Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I did not marry a roomba.
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