Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
