It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
