Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
