I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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