My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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