i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
