I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
