i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
