bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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