On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
