I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
