The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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