Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
