remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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