you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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