I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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