Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
