so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize