forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
