Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
