somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
He is an equal opportunity slut.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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