My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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