Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
