if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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