I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
