he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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