Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
