i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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