we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
