I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
