okay pat passed out under dana's car
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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