trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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