tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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