just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
this boner is exhausting
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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