He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
