I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
