My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
