So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You ruined the universe
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
