I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
