Capitaan dildo arrescate!
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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