I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Fuck me I smell like cheese
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
