Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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