textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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